What is the Hoogabaja?

I promise your children will not have nightmares after they read this story my kids and I wrote.

Enjoy.

Or, even if they are slightly traumatized, at least they will behave better. #MissingShel

Quantum Basics: Uncertainty Principle

Lab Pro--last of a dying breed

This week I was in desperate need of a rubber stopper for one of my mad science experiments. So I drove over to Lab Pro. Located in the heart of Silicon Valley, Lab Pro is one-stop shop for chemistry lovers. I also bought a dessicator (which I will not let my wife use to make fruit leather), vacuum tubing, adaptors, and, of course antistatic tweezers--can't get enough of those.

The folks are knowledgeable, friendly and awesome. If you live in the bay area, then consider yourself lucky. If not and you don't have a stockroom at your college, then you're probably stuck with online orders to Fisher or VWR--good luck navigating those websites. It's so much easier to walk in and grab the size you need.

Behind the counter they had autographed pictures of Kari Byron and other cast members from MythBusters who apparently  drop by for last-minute needs. So cool!!! It was like being in a shrine or something.

Buy local--use Lab Pro. It's good for business. It's lazy. And it's trendy! --what more could you want?

Inventing While Sleep Deprived

Lack of sleep brings on creative tendencies.

Here is my top 5 list of sleep-related stuff I wish somebody else would invent for me. Please comment if you have a supplier for these break-thru sleep-tech needs.

1. The head-wrap pillow Shaped like a C with lots of padding over the ears. Much more comfortable than ear plugs. When you have a high energy toddler who only gets 7 hours of sleep (what!!!!--I'm not kidding), you'll be wishing for this god-send.

2. The variable density/temperature regulating blanket This blanket has a selectable weight, like the sleep number bed, except you can control how heavy it feels--but it regulates the temperature so you get that "heavy blanket" feeling, but without the stuffy heat. Does it use capillaries that fill with water and controlled evaporation to stay cool? Thermoelectric? Little air vents like those AC seats in cars? PLEASE INVENT THIS FOR ME. I want to be smashed by something cool, not hot. Ahhh...

3. Steal-proof blanket Please invent a blanket that cannot be confiscated by the other person sleeping in your bed.

4. The 50:50 blanket For couples with totally different tastes, the blanket that lets you have one decor on your side, like a Star Trek theme, and another decor on the other, like butterflies. I think I saw this on Sky Mall magazine once. But Sky Mall tanked. Of course I would have to convince the wife to actually let me replace the existing blanket that has 100% butterflies--not easy.

5. Auto-dump Instead of an alarm clock this device simply winches your blanket up on one side and rolls you off the bed. Not for me, for my teenage son...

The best website for cool science junk, period.

Have you been to American Science and Surplus? Check out this online clearing house for everything from bio-nuclear-chemical suits to robot parts and whoopee cushions.

Need a really, really, really loud annoying siren? Sciplus.com is your go-to spot.

The witty descriptions of the products are worth a visit alone. If you've got a fetish for puns, you'll overdose--pace yourself.

Advertising "incredible stuff, unbelievable prices", Sciplus is a one-of-kind hobby Mecca for all your zombie apocalypse, 8 year old birthday party and mad science needs.

Man, I love that website.

Join GRIEF: Gentlemen Really Inferior to Edward Fraternity

Is your wife or girlfriend in love with a fictional vampire with sparkling skin and super speed?
Does your significant other gaze dreamily into space at the mention of the name "Edward"?

Join GRIEF, the "Gentlemen Really Inferior to Edward Fraternity"

As a member of GRIEF, you'll find solace in the knowledge that you are not alone. This support group will help your through the five step process of reconcilng your gal's irrational expectations with  reality and moving beyond the hurt and jealousy to accept and even admire this devilish creation of fiction, while maintaing your manliness at all times.

1. Realize that Edward is not real. He is not an actual threat to you.
2. You are a man. You will never truly satisfy your wife or girlfriend in the way that a fictional guy who makes irrational emotional decisions can. Come to accept that.
3. Use analogies to empathize and reciprocate. Is your ideal woman Lara Croft? Do you fantasize about Princess Leia in her slave outfit? --then you're a normal guy.  Should your wife be jealous of your inexplicable infatuation Agent Dana Scully and the hot chick on Warehouse 13 whose name you can't even remember? Of course not. So be reasonable and don't overreact.
4. Don't even try. Some men, in an attempt to appease their gal get a gym membership, work out, shave their chests and apply sparkle lotion. This is shameful and unnecessary. Just fix stuff around the house, do some dishes once in a while and take her on a date to see a non-vampire chick flick. Your love will be stronger than ever!
5. Don't read the books. Remember the pain in high school when you were tricked or forced into reading that Jane Austin novel and you read it through, cursing yourself, wishing for sudden death by coronary thrombosis? Just keep that in mind before you crack the cover.

Together we stand against the powers of the night!

Background
In 2005, author Stephanie Meyer delivered a virtual kick to the nether-regions of the collective male population of the world. "Twilight", a  dripping and adorable fantasy novel for love-sick teen readers, struck out with vengeance on an unsuspecting population. It's influence, and the continued punishment of it's sequels has effects even to this day, a decade later.

In solemnity we unite as husbands and somewhat neglected and under-appreciated boyfriends in true brotherhood! Join our GRIEF!

Comments from members:

GoTeamJacob writes: "Dear GRIEF, my wife is in love with Edward. What do I do?"

Answer from GRIEF hotline volunteer:
Dear GoTeamJacob, your wife's delusional infatuation with Edward is an expression of her need for a thoughtful, strong, talented, beautiful--and above-all-sensitive companion. The first step is understanding that these are normal and natural desires, and that you will never satisfy them. Ever.

SparkleDisaster writes: "My girlfriend tried to apply sparkle lotion to my chest, but I had too much chest hair and the effect was rather muted. Should I shave my chest? I wonder if I'll ever be the vampire of her dreams."

GRIEF rapid response team writes:
"Dear SparkleDisaster, don't shave!"

WoundedLover writes:
"Dear GRIEF, my wife had a book club meeting at our house discussing the latest Twilight sequel and I listened to the entire meeting while I pretended to watch the news! I feel so ashamed. What should I do? Should I tell her?"

GRIEF responds:
"Don't panic. Just eat a bowl of Nachos and watch Sports Center. You'll be good as new."

Fun with Gravity for Spring Break

Spring break is upon us and the kids are bored. Have no fear, science is here.

A wise man one said, "Gravity is God's gift to bored children". (Nobody wise ever said that.)

Top ten fun things to do with gravity on spring break:
1. Buy goop at the toy store and let it stretch into really long boogers.
2. Have sleeping bag and mattress races on the stairs.
3. Experience an all-night gravity adventure through a classic sci-fi story like "Ender's Game" and "2001: A Space Odyssey", or their watered-down movie versions, or watch the box office drama thrillers "Gravity" and "Interstellar".
4. Water balloon toss...with unsuspecting siblings.
5. Sleep outside on a trampoline and enjoy gravity-sponsored simple harmonic motion. (Wear mosquito repellent for sure.)
6. Use Google Sky Map on your  smart phone to locate cool astronomical objects like Eta Carinae (ooh, I can't wait too see that one blow!) and the Andromeda Galaxy. Then read Andromeda Strain by Michael Crichton, because it has the name Andromeda in it and the Andromeda Galaxy is a large gravitational object, but mostly because freaky stories are so fun!
7. Get some bungee cord or surgical tubing, make a slingshot, and launch leftover hardboiled Easter eggs into low earth orbit.
8. Buy a slinky or a yo-yo with your lunch money. (You know you want one!)
9. Go long-boarding on Lombard St. in San Francisco (with your parent's permission).
10. Defy gravity with a homemade hot air ballon. In high school we used to launch hot air balloons from school and land them on city hall a mile away--I love gravity! It works every time.

The obligatory tacky T-shirt quote: "Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's THE LAW"

Credit: ESO/WFI (visible); MPIfR/ESO/APEX/A.Weiss et al. (microwave); NASA/CXC/CfA/R.Kraft et al. (X-ray)