Monday, April 13, 2015

Join GRIEF: Gentlemen Really Inferior to Edward Fraternity

Is your wife or girlfriend in love with a fictional vampire with sparkling skin and super speed?
Does your significant other gaze dreamily into space at the mention of the name "Edward"?

Join GRIEF, the "Gentlemen Really Inferior to Edward Fraternity"

As a member of GRIEF, you'll find solace in the knowledge that you are not alone. This support group will help your through the five step process of reconcilng your gal's irrational expectations with  reality and moving beyond the hurt and jealousy to accept and even admire this devilish creation of fiction, while maintaing your manliness at all times.

1. Realize that Edward is not real. He is not an actual threat to you.
2. You are a man. You will never truly satisfy your wife or girlfriend in the way that a fictional guy who makes irrational emotional decisions can. Come to accept that.
3. Use analogies to empathize and reciprocate. Is your ideal woman Lara Croft? Do you fantasize about Princess Leia in her slave outfit? --then you're a normal guy.  Should your wife be jealous of your inexplicable infatuation Agent Dana Scully and the hot chick on Warehouse 13 whose name you can't even remember? Of course not. So be reasonable and don't overreact.
4. Don't even try. Some men, in an attempt to appease their gal get a gym membership, work out, shave their chests and apply sparkle lotion. This is shameful and unnecessary. Just fix stuff around the house, do some dishes once in a while and take her on a date to see a non-vampire chick flick. Your love will be stronger than ever!
5. Don't read the books. Remember the pain in high school when you were tricked or forced into reading that Jane Austin novel and you read it through, cursing yourself, wishing for sudden death by coronary thrombosis? Just keep that in mind before you crack the cover.

Together we stand against the powers of the night!

In 2005, author Stephanie Meyer delivered a virtual kick to the nether-regions of the collective male population of the world. "Twilight", a  dripping and adorable fantasy novel for love-sick teen readers, struck out with vengeance on an unsuspecting population. It's influence, and the continued punishment of it's sequels has effects even to this day, a decade later.

In solemnity we unite as husbands and somewhat neglected and under-appreciated boyfriends in true brotherhood! Join our GRIEF!

Comments from members:

GoTeamJacob writes: "Dear GRIEF, my wife is in love with Edward. What do I do?"

Answer from GRIEF hotline volunteer:
Dear GoTeamJacob, your wife's delusional infatuation with Edward is an expression of her need for a thoughtful, strong, talented, beautiful--and above-all-sensitive companion. The first step is understanding that these are normal and natural desires, and that you will never satisfy them. Ever.

SparkleDisaster writes: "My girlfriend tried to apply sparkle lotion to my chest, but I had too much chest hair and the effect was rather muted. Should I shave my chest? I wonder if I'll ever be the vampire of her dreams."

GRIEF rapid response team writes:
"Dear SparkleDisaster, don't shave!"

WoundedLover writes:
"Dear GRIEF, my wife had a book club meeting at our house discussing the latest Twilight sequel and I listened to the entire meeting while I pretended to watch the news! I feel so ashamed. What should I do? Should I tell her?"

GRIEF responds:
"Don't panic. Just eat a bowl of Nachos and watch Sports Center. You'll be good as new."

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